My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Randomize
