I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
