Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
My feet surprised me
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