Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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