Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
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A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
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It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.