I think i sorta joined a cult last night
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.