i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
