my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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