The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
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