I hope mine doesn't look like that
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
