i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
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