I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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