Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
