so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
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Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
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I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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