and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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