i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
