How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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