after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
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