You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
My vagina is very pro this idea
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