I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Randomize
