i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
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