Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Randomize
