Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
