Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
