the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
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I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
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do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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