I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
