Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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