no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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