I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
