Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
