There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
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