If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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