So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
