just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Randomize
