That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
