guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
