Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
