1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Randomize
