pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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