i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
