I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
