I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Randomize
