it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
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I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
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I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
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