Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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