we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
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i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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