Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
