oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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