pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
