Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
