Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
