just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
