so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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