I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
