so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
