I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
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He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
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How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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