Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
