why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
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I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
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I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Terrible idea I love it
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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